RSS Feed

The start of the flood


I haven’t written poetry in months

i havent written anything at all

 

how do i start again

when i have nothing to write about

 

my feelings are just the same

I’m lonely, frustrated and sick of this game

 

i feel like there is nothing left of me inside

nothing makes me angry anymore

nothing tears and breaks down my core 

 

i know I must write myself out of this mess

but i am tired of trying 

tired of failing

and too scared to start believing again 

 

Advertisements

Midday sun


 I haven’t left the house in days 

my hair is dry and like straw and slowly falling out.

i have accepted my unknown state 

somehow i am still moving 

i am in a constant state of day dreaming

until a scream suddenly brings me right back to the horror or reality

i slip in out of sleep 

i never know what day it is

i live as the thing i have always dreadded

a nothing

watching out windows

sleeping in midday sun 

with nothing to move for 

 as i sit in this sun

i know this is how it feels to die

but they won’t let me go

so i am stuck in a living limbo 

no plans no goals 

just day dreams

never saying hello

but not having the strength to say the final goodbye. 

White walls ( short story)


As i sit here without distracting myself i just realise how cold it is. It chills my bones and creates a numbness.

The fluorescent lights are so strong they blind me and the light bounces off the clinically white walls. The smell

of antiseptic is nearly all i can smell accept when they bring the food in then the overwhelming smell is of melted plastic.

I am consumed by the constant ringing and buzzing of the machines the noise pulls me back into horrible memories of

when i was here before. There are four of us who stay here for weeks and some who come and go.I watch the people

come in and out everyday and it just blurs into one. The different faces and stories of each one. You can tell which ones

have not been here before filled with hope that it will be ok. The more experienced ones who get to come and go but have accepted where they are at.

The faces of the fathers and mothers completely worn. The yearning to be told their children are going to be ok.

I watch them pace up and down the halls waiting for the news i hear them crying when the doctors come in. The looks of shock and despair. The looks on the faces on the nurses that have seen it all before and the looks of

fear on the new ones. They try and hide it but i know when it’s gone wrong.

So do the other to that stay in this room with me.

They have been here long enough to know long enough to be scared of hope. The littlest one Sara who is only ten smiles and is

stronger than us all. She will not let me help her she is as stubborn as a mule. She has been here longer than all of us.

she is so cheeky and always wants to play cards with me.It breaks me to see her in pain But i see pain everyday in here and she is so full of life.

Ellie is the other one that has been in here for a while. She is beautiful and gracious but they hurt her but she doesn’t break she has a fiery spirit in her heart

and is so kind. She keeps me sane and i think i do the same for her. They are all at the same point as me. Our family comes in to see us but

not really anyone else our friends have lost interest and suddenly we are alone. There are no wall between us only thin curtains so

i tend to hear everything that goes on. We all know each others stories.we hear when the doctors come in and we hear the bad

news we hear when we are crying.

Yesterday afternoon is when it all started. When i came into the room after seeing one of my doctors i heard Ellie

screaming i instantly felt panicked and wanted to protect her.It was unusual for her to even raise her voice she

was so placid and caring so that made me even more worried but the curtains were drawn. I heard her yell

I am not faking it, why would i make this up i just want to be normal and then screamed get out and the man left her room.

then not too long after her mum also left i didn’t know she was in there. I gave Ellie some space but i went over to be with her

and keep her company and she explained to me how they thought she was faking not walking and being sick so she

could get out of school she started crying and said all i want is to be back to my old self why would i do something like that.

I gave her a hug and said that i believed her and she said how her mum didn’t seem to believe her because nothing was coming back on the bloods.

Sara come over and we played cards and tried to distract Ellie from what had happened that night i really worried about her

and her mum. She was only 13 in here by herself it is scary i know i am only a year older you pretend to be coping but you feel like you don’t

have control of what happens to you. I then got quite a fright when i head Sara crying and screaming the next morning when i was having breakfast.

They kept trying to take her blood and gee her injections but they were causing her so much pain. It wasn’t like her to complain so i knew it must have been pretty bad

she was all on her own to i tried to see if she was ok but the nurse wouldn’t let me in and said i had to go to my appointment. i left the room and went to my appointment

It was with my physiologist that i was scared of i didn’t know why but the thought of her just made me sick in the stomach i walk into the room and she is sitting there.

She trys to tell me i am sick because i have had some massive trauma in my life i was confused because up until i got ill i had a quite happy boring life

she says she knows there was something wrong she kept asking who hurt me and said she had to break my spirit to find what was going on. she then said

you just started to fake it when your sister got sick didn’t you and kept in tricking my words until i screamed at her and then she similes. That smile will haunt you forever it was like i gotcha smile

i am the adult here who is going to believe you and she just walked away. I knew i didn’t do anything wrong but i was scared all day i didn’t know what would happen. I walked in my room later in the afternoon to find my parents

sitting in my room waiting for me they told me she had talked to them and said that i was unstable and said all this stuff they knew wasn’t true. They said she wasn’t going to see me anymore. The relief i had that

moment was amazing i knew she didn’t have any power over me. I then looked over and i realized Ellie was with her parents too and she said they had come around and

realised she wasn’t making it up. I looked over at Sara who was still unwell but her mum was sitting with her and she thanked me for caring for her and that Sara had talked about me a lot

and she also said she was going to come and stay with her as much as she could. So maybe we are not so alone yes its horrible but just maybe we will be ok.

 

I know its not perfect but it is what it is.

I am so appreciative of everyone who took the time to read it.

I an sending out joy and love for your hearts.

Please let me know your thoughts?

XOxo

I sit hollow


sweet tunes roll down the

warm summers river

i sit there hollow

i am not really here anymore

its not like i am anywhere i am just not here

my insides hurt too much so i cut them out

but i still hear there voices crying out to be fed

with hope and love but they are not welcome here

they hurt me with there wicked ways

they lured me in with there ideas and dreams

and then crushed me until i couldn’t speak

now i am just here

the wind moves through me

it wails songs of loss

but i don’t want its pity

i don’t need its pain

my skin is still warm to touch even though it feels cold inside

my feet float in the water and the sun weaves through my hair

I am lossed to the world but it doesn’t care

my eyes are rough against my skin

they show whats with in

nothing

just an empty shell

i am gone but my stubborn soul still awaits

in a fiery rage

to bring me back once more

to fight and be scared

to once more stand tall

with these tired

eyes and bones

just begging to be left alone.

Lots of Love as always!

Please share your thoughts it brings me joy to read them.

Alice

XOxo

The Darkness


The ones that are susceptible to darkness. They feel the deepness of time its self. They walk with cracks lining there skin. But that’s not how the darkness gets in. The darkness comes from the ability to feel the strength of time. How small we are yet how deep we can feel. How much empathy we can fit inside our hearts. That’s were the darkness comes from the empathy the ability to feel for others walk in a strangers shoes. But the ones that are susceptible to this darkness don’t choose to empathise they just feel it in there bones. They don’t even know who they are feeling for. They just feel so much, the just feel so deep. Even if they beg to be left alone the darkness will haunt them. They can not sleep. They sit awake at the loneliness time of day when the most amount of people fade away. In the night when the darkness overwhelms them. The silence of the night tares through there soul. It’s written through there flesh and bones never to be left alone. The darkness will always be with them they will always struggle to breathe. Until they finally give up, until they finally give in. Give way to the darkness to reveal the insanity with in.

Not quite sure what this is a poem? a thought? maybe just a ramble. But writing it bought me lots of joy.

Share your idea of darkness with me.

Thank you Lovely’s!

Until Next time Embrace the darkness and appreciate the small joys!

Alice

XOxo

The Living Death

Posted on

I am really not sure
Its mashed up in my head
Its slow and its thick
It creeps up on me and
catches me but i cant run or hide
because it is inside of me
It is the darkness the abyss
Completely empty
Except for the pain
of the nothingness
The living death. 

I am Quiet


I am quiet.

I am not bold
I cant put myself out
for the world to see
and I know because of this I am loosing you
I know because of this you will slip away
it really is such a shame
for there are so many words
I cant bring myself to say
but only I am to blame.

By Empress Alice (me)

XOxo