As i sit here without distracting myself i just realise how cold it is. It chills my bones and creates a numbness.
The fluorescent lights are so strong they blind me and the light bounces off the clinically white walls. The smell
of antiseptic is nearly all i can smell accept when they bring the food in then the overwhelming smell is of melted plastic.
I am consumed by the constant ringing and buzzing of the machines the noise pulls me back into horrible memories of
when i was here before. There are four of us who stay here for weeks and some who come and go.I watch the people
come in and out everyday and it just blurs into one. The different faces and stories of each one. You can tell which ones
have not been here before filled with hope that it will be ok. The more experienced ones who get to come and go but have accepted where they are at.
The faces of the fathers and mothers completely worn. The yearning to be told their children are going to be ok.
I watch them pace up and down the halls waiting for the news i hear them crying when the doctors come in. The looks of shock and despair. The looks on the faces on the nurses that have seen it all before and the looks of
fear on the new ones. They try and hide it but i know when it’s gone wrong.
So do the other to that stay in this room with me.
They have been here long enough to know long enough to be scared of hope. The littlest one Sara who is only ten smiles and is
stronger than us all. She will not let me help her she is as stubborn as a mule. She has been here longer than all of us.
she is so cheeky and always wants to play cards with me.It breaks me to see her in pain But i see pain everyday in here and she is so full of life.
Ellie is the other one that has been in here for a while. She is beautiful and gracious but they hurt her but she doesn’t break she has a fiery spirit in her heart
and is so kind. She keeps me sane and i think i do the same for her. They are all at the same point as me. Our family comes in to see us but
not really anyone else our friends have lost interest and suddenly we are alone. There are no wall between us only thin curtains so
i tend to hear everything that goes on. We all know each others stories.we hear when the doctors come in and we hear the bad
news we hear when we are crying.
Yesterday afternoon is when it all started. When i came into the room after seeing one of my doctors i heard Ellie
screaming i instantly felt panicked and wanted to protect her.It was unusual for her to even raise her voice she
was so placid and caring so that made me even more worried but the curtains were drawn. I heard her yell
I am not faking it, why would i make this up i just want to be normal and then screamed get out and the man left her room.
then not too long after her mum also left i didn’t know she was in there. I gave Ellie some space but i went over to be with her
and keep her company and she explained to me how they thought she was faking not walking and being sick so she
could get out of school she started crying and said all i want is to be back to my old self why would i do something like that.
I gave her a hug and said that i believed her and she said how her mum didn’t seem to believe her because nothing was coming back on the bloods.
Sara come over and we played cards and tried to distract Ellie from what had happened that night i really worried about her
and her mum. She was only 13 in here by herself it is scary i know i am only a year older you pretend to be coping but you feel like you don’t
have control of what happens to you. I then got quite a fright when i head Sara crying and screaming the next morning when i was having breakfast.
They kept trying to take her blood and gee her injections but they were causing her so much pain. It wasn’t like her to complain so i knew it must have been pretty bad
she was all on her own to i tried to see if she was ok but the nurse wouldn’t let me in and said i had to go to my appointment. i left the room and went to my appointment
It was with my physiologist that i was scared of i didn’t know why but the thought of her just made me sick in the stomach i walk into the room and she is sitting there.
She trys to tell me i am sick because i have had some massive trauma in my life i was confused because up until i got ill i had a quite happy boring life
she says she knows there was something wrong she kept asking who hurt me and said she had to break my spirit to find what was going on. she then said
you just started to fake it when your sister got sick didn’t you and kept in tricking my words until i screamed at her and then she similes. That smile will haunt you forever it was like i gotcha smile
i am the adult here who is going to believe you and she just walked away. I knew i didn’t do anything wrong but i was scared all day i didn’t know what would happen. I walked in my room later in the afternoon to find my parents
sitting in my room waiting for me they told me she had talked to them and said that i was unstable and said all this stuff they knew wasn’t true. They said she wasn’t going to see me anymore. The relief i had that
moment was amazing i knew she didn’t have any power over me. I then looked over and i realized Ellie was with her parents too and she said they had come around and
realised she wasn’t making it up. I looked over at Sara who was still unwell but her mum was sitting with her and she thanked me for caring for her and that Sara had talked about me a lot
and she also said she was going to come and stay with her as much as she could. So maybe we are not so alone yes its horrible but just maybe we will be ok.
I know its not perfect but it is what it is.
I am so appreciative of everyone who took the time to read it.
I an sending out joy and love for your hearts.
Please let me know your thoughts?